omdzzcat_in

I don't really know whats wrong with me.

In a way I'm enormously homesick.
Yet on the other hand I don't want to go home, as I'm not sure what will or won't be waiting for me.

Not really sure what went wrong, or when everyone elses happiness outshone mine.
Bottom line is, I'm not happy. Don't know why, don't know what everyone else has in their lives to make them smile that I don't.

I may sound like some stupid child right now, moaning about nothing. Maybe I am.

But thats exactly the problem. Right now I seem to have nothing.

I'de really like to make something of me, my life, just don't know how.

I feel so left behind.

"Colour me blue, I'm lost in you,
Who am I to say you need me?"

Fuckkitt. Arggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh yeah, so I guess I should say something final, like goodbye or something? Yet for some reason nothing springs to mind.
I guess I'm just done. Fullstop.

Things are getting weird here. I don't tend to spend this much time with the family, and after this long you start to run out of stuff to say. Actually i ran out during the first day.

I have nothing in common with any of them. No topic of conversation. No common ground.
We have completely different life outlooks, different dreams, different ideas of good and bad. For example, tattoos - to me: good, to them: bad.
Freedom - to me: necissary, to them: seen as irresponsible.
Alone time - to me: To stop me going absolutely insane, to them: The meaning of personal space is lost on them completely.

Its starting to suffocate me.

Anyway...

I think I've been completely blind to your problem with her. I don't know why you don't like her, or when it started, but I don't like it.
A problem's a-brewin here me thinks.

And about the conversation we had before I left - We're supposed to make a decision based on where our heads are at once we've used this time to think - so far? Not a clue. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I keep swaying back and forth between choices, trying to save something drowning or let it go.
I'm not sure which is best, or more humane.

Help?

I feel a little anxious
like were all building up to something dangerous and new
something thats going to change things irriversibly
I don't like not being there to watch it grow, unable to stop it if i wanted to, or guide it in the right direction.

Is it wise to be excited, apprehensive?
I don't see people as I used to, company isn't vital, people are disposable.
Not everyone is, there's those that have been with you through everything, who have watched you grow, who know your pet peeves and weak spots. Then there's those who weave in and out of your life, never really there, with you or for you. These people I don't need.


I love you. But sometimes I think you keep me around just to watch the show. Your show. To listen to your problems and to help you fix the things you break.

I don't think you know how much I care about you. To the point that I confuse my feelings with others. It's too fucked up for words really. 

Please don't lay your bitterness on me. I know I don't approve of some of the people you run with, but they don't define you. You define you. The fact that you choose to associate with those I don't doesn't make me think any less of you. So you can still talk to me about things. And I won't say a harsh word.

Your opinion means the world to me. Not everyones, just yours. I like the relationship we have, and the way we see eachother. I don't want it to change, although I can see it might do in the near future. It's almost like a good relationship with you depends on another one failing with someone else. I feel stuck, stretched, and torn between people, to a point I doubt you will understand.

Lost.

Contemplative.

Numb.

Everyone's views of themselves are so warped. I don't think anyone actually sees themselves for what they really are. I know I don't.

We all have this tiny little inner monologue, we narrate our lives the way we see them, each of us the main character, hero, of our own little fucked up stories. Not one of us has a down to earth, real grasp on life.

Some of us walk around in a drug induced stupor that we think we can pull ourselves out of any time we like. We think we can daydream through life for so long, and then snap back into the real world when it matters. Here's the cold hard facts, we can't. I wanted to be a surgeon, play god, control people like puppets. The power was appealing to me. Like fuck that's going to happen now. The funny thing is, I realise I've fucked up. That I'm never going to end up doing what I want. Yet still, in my drugged up daze I fill out applications for job placements in the medical field, take the A levels needed for medical school, and pretend I'm not failing each and every one of them. I say to myself, sure that job application is a little short, yeah there's afew gaps, but it won't matter. IT ALL MATTERS. Idiot.

Some of us run around sleeping with any guy that gives us a questionable smile, a wink, a kind word. It's like a hobby, collecting knotches on a bedpost. Now lets get this clear, if you choose to sleep around, you should expect the label that comes with it. Deal with people calling you "slut", "whore", "easy", because you have chosen to be that way. Any name your branded with, is your fault. 

Then there's the Queen Bee's and the Know-it-alls. The ones who think their several steps infront of everyone else. They think they've got the world clocked, how it works, why things happen, the people in it. Again, reality check please, you haven't. Actually, the fact that you think you know everything proves your just as average/stupid as everyone else. You see your little internal monologue as the only one in the world, or atleast the only one worth paying attention to. To you, your story is the only one plausable. No, that just makes you ignorant. Step off the pedestal, and ffs realise there's 6 billion other people on earth, not just you. 

 I don't really mind if someone wants to sleep around, or fuck themselves up, whatever. But lets just all snap out of our "everything will turn out fine" beliefs and start realising that things will only turn out the way you want them to if you make them. If you don't have the energy to try, don't sit there all shocked and moan when you wake up and find you've fucked your life up.

I don't think I've neccissarily got the energy myself, but atleast I'm beginning to understand that wherever Iam, I put myself there. 


Well that was a rather bitter, but nonetheless needed rant.

 -I'm sorry, didn't realise I was such a burden, and that having me under the same roof as you brings you to your "wits end". Good to know.

-Your one of the most selfish people I've ever met. Only ever nice when you want something, and no respect for personal boundaries. You don't understand or know a fuckin thing about me, and then you go and judge me? And rant on about how my actions hurt you and mum? When making decisions you don't even cross my mind anymore, because I've never crossed yours. My life has fuck all to do with you, so get out of my face.

eugh.

I came on here with the intention of writing something really deep and meaningful to the people I care about. Something from the heart. Something to get everything out in the open, something to make things better.

Something to my girlfriend. Yeah I just called you that.

Something to the one who left for good.

Something to my best friends, the one round the corner, and the one I struggle to stay in touch with.


But my mind draws a blank, and I find myself unable to put anything I feel into words anymore. It's too hard, and too painful. I don't want to come on here and start to cry everytime I open my mind and start to write. 


So that's it I guess, that's the update, pointless as it may be.


"I put one foot wrong, and I'm gonna fall... 
        All the lights are on, but I'm in the dark - Who's gonna find me?
                      Just one foot wrong, you'll have to love me when I'm gone."


I give up.

I don't understand. I'm supposed to be happy. If nothing's wrong, why do I feel like this? In my opinion its completely uncalled for and my hormones are just making me an idiot.

That's what I'd like to think.

But I think if I'm honest with myself I know why. I know whats making me well up every 5 seconds, whats causing these sudden angry outbursts. Whats making my head almost explode from the pressure.

Why do i care so much about what you think? It would be stupid for me to say I don't still have feelings for you, as everyone else seemed to know before I did, and I wasn't expecting to miss you this much. I find it so hard to let you go, and I know every minute that I don't I'm hurting someone else. I'm trying, I really want to let my feelings go. Despite my annoyingly frequent strops and crying fits, I am happy with the relationship I'm in. It's not perfect, but its something I've wanted for a long time. And now I have it I really don't wanna fuck up, which seems to be a common thing for me, especially when it comes to my love life. 
As for why I haven't told you yet, I really don't know why. I guess I was under the impression that it would hurt you, and I didn't want to do that. But that's because I just assumed your having as much trouble letting go as I am, which is probably not true. Maybe I need to get over myself. 

This is a very confusing post, and it probably doesn't make much sense. And now I'm babbling... 

Shh.

I wish I didn't need livejournal to express how I feel. But I literally use this as a diary. I don't intend anyone to read it just because it's on the internet or easy to reach, I just need an outlet of tension sometimes. No attention seeking or manipulation, just the cold hard truth.

I feel like you don't want what I want anymore. Yeah the whole age-old betrayal and invasion of privacy issues still stand, and their in truth going to be hard to surpass. And yes I am unbelievably greedy and selfish. I'm aware of these things. Yeah, it does cross my mind at times that the smart, easy path would be to just be friends now, not even best friends, just friends. No pressure, no expectation of eachother, and just start over. 
But if I'm honest, I really, really don't want that. I think we've been friends for this long as a safety net for anything we really felt, and we've just made progress. And it's so shit of life just to flip like this when we were getting so close. I still feel everything I felt before all this shit was thrown in the air, even if you don't. It's annoying how I don't have a clue whether you still feel the same or not, whether it's okay to be near you in that way and you not hate me. If we get back to where we were again, how am I supposed to know whether you care about me or whether your just keeping your enemys close? Fucksake why is everything so hard. Maybe it would be easier on both of us if we just gave up? Doesn't seem like it's meant to be anyway.

- I really tried with you. I wanted to keep our friendship going, because believe it or not your important to me. Now if you can't be bothered with me anymore, atleast have the decency to let me know, rather than make plans with me and then turn off your phone. I have this massive thing about respect, and you clearly have none for me. 
And it's not that because of how long we've been friends I feel obliged to try and uphold that friendship just out of habit or  duty. I actually love who you are, always have done, always will. I value you as a friend, and sometimes I just need you to be there. More recently than ever before. But the only conclusion I can draw from how your acting at the moment is that you simply just don't care.

So if thats how it's gonna be, give me time, and I'm sure with enough effort I won't care about you either.

Or maybe thats just wishful thinking. Because if I'm honest with myself, I find it hard to forget about people I care about as easily as you have. But I guess that puts me in my place doesn't it.

My body aches from all this. I'm slowly losing everything I've ever cared about, and I don't even know how. Looking at it all, it seems to have all happened so fast. But if I'm honest with myself, I think if I was paying attention to anyone other than myself I could have seen this destruction coming a mile off.

Friendships have withered to nothing,
strong bonds have deteriorated so far that I'm barely hanging on
People I love aren't here anymore. Figuratively speaking and literally.

Things aren't right, and it hurts. So I'm sorry if I need something to numb the pain now and then, a fix to get me through the day, a buzz to make me smile for a couple of hours. I know everyone thinks I'm this massively drug hungry selfish person, and yeah that's probably what I've become, but think about the last time I was around anyone without being in some sort of substance induced stupor. Pretty fuckin long ago weren't it.

Truth is, if anyone saw me, on my own, without any alcohol, drugs, whatever, they'd realise why I need it. Nothings ever as picture perfect as it seems on the surface. My little happy mask has cracks in it, and their getting bigger, more visible by the second.

I think we all need to start paying attention to eachother more, and detect when maybe someone's not as happy as they make out to be. The funny thing is, the group of friends I have now have been brought together purely out of a love of drugs. And our love of drugs in turn breaks down any friendship we had there in the beginning. We share what we have in the vain hope of getting some back another time in return, and end up secretly resenting anyone we believe doesn't pay up as much as we do.  We're all just a group of troubled, self-absorbed teens, with so many of our own problems that we don't have time to care about anyone other than ourselves. No wonder some of us are withering away undetected.

I'm gonna miss you so bad. I'm not sure if it's gonna be in a friend way or more than that, but either way, I don't know how I'm gonna deal with it. You sound happy your leaving, and I'm so glad your finally escaping your bitch of a mother figure. I really want to be happy for you. But it's hard when what makes you happy makes me sad. My english lessons feel lonely without you, the alley is empty without you, and my fairy lights are gonna have no one to shine for anymore :(
Who am I gonna cook lasagne specially for? Who can I get all excited about our artwork with, and what tattoos were gonna get? Your like my artistic counterpart, you think like me, act like me, and I theres very few I would ever consider more highly than you. I don't think you actually understand how much I care about you, and how much I hate that your leaving me behind. You sound like your progressing into a nice new, exciting part of your life, and farbeit from me to make you feel bad about that, but I'm so jealous. I'm sorry if it makes you feel guilty, or upset in any way at all, but it's true. Don't think about what youve got going for you now as an unfortunate situation, a result of your mum kicking you out, a last resort. Think of it as freedom. You can be whoever you want to be now. I hope you find yourself. I just wish I could go with you.

Wow that was all quite cheesy, but appropriate.

and by the way, I really do love you.

Haven't been on here in a while. I'm out too much, and whenever I actually do come home its because I'm fucked off my face and pass out on my bed. Sometimes in the hallway..

Things would appear to the average outsider quite okay at the moment. Good weather, good mates, the lot. But it's never like that is it. When things seem lovely on the surface it's usually a warning sign, moreso than if I was screaming til my lungs burst.

It's not often I say this, but I think it would be nicer to be a boy. If boys have beef with eachother, they confront eachother, maybe have a testosterone-fuelled fight, and then call it quits. They let the anger out, dive into the problem head on, and then are better off for it afterwards. Girls aren't like this.
Girls keep secrets. They bottle stuff up. They twist and manipulate things. Thing is, I see it clear as day. I know when I'm being played, when someones keeping things from me, or lying straight to my face. I'm not being up myself by saying this, but it's generally true. And therefore, I trust no one.

I know a lot of people have trust issues, but the cold hard truth is, I wouldn't trust anyone with my life. With my secrets. Not even who I have labelled "best friends". If I tell you a secret, likelyhood is it's not that all important to me if it's kept or not. Because I just expect betrayal from people, good or bad, whether I've known them my whole life or 5 minutes. I guess that's because I know if the circumstances were dire enough, I'de fuck anyone over in a second. Again, I'm not a bitch, just truthful. I'm saying what your all thinking.

For example,

-You don't forgive me. You might not be openly angry with me, but all trust has been lost. I understand that, I expect that. But to forgive someone fully you need to trust them. And its not just all trust you ever had for me thats gone, its also the trust I had for you. Because as I said, I know when I'm being lied to, and your dragging out a nice fat lie right now. And the funniest thing is, if you had told me straight out, I wouldn't have given 2 shits. Yeah, I admit I have quite strong feelings for you, and I wish things were simple. I honestly regret what I did, it was shitty and i deserve what I get I guess, but it really sucks how of all the inconvenient times, now is the time it comes back to bite me. But again, there's no point in saying all of this, because you won't believe a word I say anymore. And as much as it hurts me to say it, a relationship or whatever you want this to be can't be built on such shaky ground. No more lies please, from either of us if we wanna turn this into something special.

-It's such a fucking piss-take that your both keeping this from me. It's not that I believe I own him or want him in any way shape or form (eww), but I thought as friends there are certain boundaries. You've crossed the line by doing it in the first place, and you've both crossed the line by feeling the need to hide it from me and your boyfriend, who cares so much about you. I can honestly say, I have no respect for you in the slightest. Your just as bad as the rest of us arseholes on earth.

-I don't trust you to keep your mouth shut. Your so great to talk to, and I think your well alright in general. But the fact that you let such important secrets slip out your mouth worries me. I do it too mind you, but most people know that if they want a secret kept well, not to tell me. But you haven't given a fair warning. Your not upfront about your gossip girl nature, and it's a little too late for me to have noticed. Too much knowledge is under your control at the moment, you have such power over everyone else around you and I'm not even sure you realise.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to my massively epic post.

Mmmmmm drugs. Mmmmm cocaine. I want it so bad at the moment, if I'm with someone whos got a cold or hayfever, sniffing and wiping their nose, I get nervously excited. And jealous. How pathetic is that? That I suspect everyone around me of having drugs and hiding them from me. Para much. When someone mentions it, or thinks their capable of getting it, I'm their new best friend. Part of me worries about how much I think about it, but then part of me thinks, so what if I do? What if its bad for you? What if it ruins my future?

At the moment I see no future. Nothing worth taking care of, preserving. My opinion of myself is so low at the moment, I just really don't care. I don't deserve to have a future, real friends, a special person in my life. Fucked that one up already really. I admit I do care a little bit about that, but whats  there to do about it really now, nothing. 

Lets just watch and see how destructive I get. I dare you.

*Been in quite a foul mood most of the day. Got next to no sleep, had too much to do, and too many smothering people about. The day kinda went in a daze, like I'm not really here anymore. Like I'm on a different, half-plain to everyone else. Less alive, less awake. Something desperately needs to change.

*Had my extentions taken out today. Felt a little less whole if I'm honest. I bought some clothes that aren't really my style, and tried to dye my hair blonde. Didn't go all that well, got a nice set of ginger roots now, and the red just stayed in my hair (My head resembles a peach..). Gonna get a hairdresser to sort it out tomorrow hopefully. Seems no matter how much I try to change, I'm still immobile. I'll always be just a confused, pathetic little girl.

*I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE, I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE, I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE.

*I feel like such a gullable idiot around you at times. You tell me you have feelings for me, that back then if I had asked you to choose between me and the person at the time you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with, you would have chose me. But then you'll talk to me for hours about your relationship with someone else, how amazing or shitty they are. And tbh, I know I'm supposed to be above all your friend, but a lot of the time, I don't give two shits. Sounds childish and spoilt, but I would like to be at the top of your priorities for once.
 
*I'm so incredibly bored of life atm. I'm thinking maybe I need to start splashing around abit more, not care if I'm making waves. I'm gonna start not caring about consequences, more doing, less thinking. Let's take life less seriously, it just brings you down. Let's see if I can make it without the safety net.

Take me away please.

-Whenever I'm near you I want to touch you. Just be nearby, as close as possible, I don't know why. Your like one of my addictions I never quite broke free from, and as much as you manage to piss me off, upset me and make me hate you, I still adore you unconditionally. I hate how you view me as an immature child with a fresh unexperienced mind, and think you know whats best for everyone. Yet in a way these beliefs of yours I find sweet, just because its you believing them.  Sounds cheesy, stupid and embarrasses me slightly, but that's just how I feel. I sit there and contemplate what we'd be like if we ever properly got together, not only got over our stupid little pride issues but actually labelled us as something, gave it a real go. Not sure how it would turn out if I'm honest, I think we missed our window when we had it and just settled comfortably in the friend zone. Churning that all up again my be a big mistake, but still I don't like that I may never know. I think I'de like to risk it. I wish you would read this, and just answer all my questions, but I know better than that.

-Again, I don't understand my fascination with you. Why I want to protect you, keep you even though your not mine. I find myself always wanting to keep you happy, give you things, cook you dinner. It's rather pathetic of me actually. I love how in sync we are, how your thoughts are my thoughts and mine are yours. I don't know why I always end up pushing you away in the end, I never want to, and always regret it afterwards. I say how I want to leave, but tbh I probably wouldn't leave without you, of all people. Again, I'm not sure why that is. I would choose to run away with you over any of my other supposed best friends in a heart beat, that would just be my gut decision. I can't really define what I feel for you or why I feel it, but all I know is you matter a hell of a lot to me. Your on an imaginary pedestal in my mind, above everyone else, superior. Just so you know. 

 

Even though I know you don't read these...
You annoyed me today. I think you may have noticed you'd said something wrong before you left.
Yes, you are as usual right. I know how much thinking and work goes into moving and not making a mess of it. And no I'm not just going on a whim, and not any time in the immediate future. But nevertheless its a dream of mine. And it felt like you were just shitting all over it. I know you know I think you think you know everything (wow that sentence gives me a headache..), and I noticed how you tried to atleast be nice in the way you did it, not sound too up yourself as you wrote me off as some silly school girl who's just read an exciting book about running away and decided to do it herself. But I think I deserve a little more credit than you give me. I have my head screwed on pretty tight, I'm clearly not an idiot. Yeah you go on about how you've got 'street smarts' and how being able to read long complicated books and do maths equations that look like gibberish to you aren't really being 'smart'. But tbh, although I know it would be beyond hard, I can fend for myself aswell as anyone. You just don't believe this because I haven't been given the chance as of yet and you more or less have.

Okay, well I'm going to stop myself before I start getting harsh.
Anyway, the conditions of my leaving I've decided will be:
-I don't get the grades I want at the end of AS/A2, cant decide whether I'll go this year or next..
-I build up abit of dosh in zee 'ole bank account, more shifts at the Priory needed me thinks
-By some strange circumstance I manage to lose all my friends or have a row with the fam
-I maybe have one person to go with me. Just one. Too many might smother me.

I've had the suggestion of going to scotland, maybe a city there such as Edinburgh. Yeah maybe I'll drop by. But first I'm thinking London or Cornwall, strictly because in London theres alot of stuff going on, and alot of people roughing it, so if my money all runs out too soon atleast I wont be the only tramp sitting on the street corner drinking alcohol at 9am. Then there's Cornwall, where you can be near the seaside. There's camping areas if need be, and quite afew jobs going round. Finally, (this ones my own idea) there's Brighton. Again, theres a seaside, the massive pier is nice, and once more job opportunities. Plus there's that whole gay capital thing (SugarRush flashback), which should be interesting, if not absolutely frightening LOL.

Yeah I know I haven't thought it all through yet, but I've got time. Yeah I'm just a 16 year old girl who doesn't really know what she's doing or who she is, but thats the point. Throw me out in the deep end, see how I cope, if I cope. I can always come home (or live with Emily haha), but for the minute let me indulge. Quit telling me I'm immature and can't handle it, and assuming you know me like the back of your hand. You don't. I love you, not just as a friend, in everyway tbh. But you definately know how to infuriate me.

There's quite afew people I don't know personally on my myspace friends list. But their on there for a reason, admiration, interest, I don't just accept people because they add me randomly.

Looking through my friends list I found a punk girls profile that I had accepted years ago. Nineteen, tattooed and pierced so extensively theres hardly any bare skin left. She's a hair dresser, and recently pregnant.
As bad as I feel admitting this, I was shocked and judgemental. I thought, oh god her tattoos are going to stretch, shes only a 19 year old hairdresser.. how can she afford a child? Shes beautiful, nice figure, face full of life. My cynical view on children and childbirth leads me to think she'l lose that lovely figure, and her face will age faster than it should. If I found I was pregnant any time soon, I know i'de quite happily hop round to the free clinic and terminate it without a second thought. Some people might be horrified by that, but being pro-choice doesn't make you a monster. It makes you considerate, responsible, shows you look ahead and understand how difficult having a child could be. Most of all it shows your scared. Plus judging by my fascination and slight dependence on drugs, having a child would be hard for both me, and the child. Let alone unsafe.

Nevertheless, this isn't a rant about irresponsible mothers and poor judgement, although yes I did disapprove first of all. Yet I find myself admiring this pierced, inked girl, who believes she is strong enough to have a child so young. She looks at it as an enriching life experience, she must believe that her life has been so spectacular so far that she is ready to focus all of her attention on someone else. That would be where her and I differ. I wish her luck, and I hope it goes the way she wants. I hope having a child brings new light and adventure into her life, rather than burden and stress. I admire her for giving her originally perfect body to someone else for 9 months, and being content enough with where shes been to be able to change her life so dramatically. She's obviously lived fast, enjoyed herself and seen all there is to see. By the age of 19. I wish I were as lucky.

I've already written about this, but the thoughts haven't gone away. Infact they seem to have manifested in my mind, latched on as tight as possible, enjoying the ride.

I want to leave. I want to get away from this place so bad I think about it everyday. Every hour. All the places I could go, people I could be, why should I waste my time here? Yes there's school, aquaintances I've already made and obviously my parents. But everyone leaves at some point, so why not now? Schools not going anywhere.
Nothing is particularly different, it's just that I feel I've done everything I can here. No one really needs me anymore, they may for company, but that can be found anywhere. And I know I'm not getting what I need for my peace of mind here, it's draining me. The place, the people.

I may be blaming my location for problems I can't seem to solve in myself, but I don't want the people I know to define me. I think the only way to see who I am, how strong/weak I am is to throw myself out into the middle of nowhere, not a familiar face for miles, and see how I cope. It can be hard to find yourself in a sea full of people. But once all the little variables are taken away, there's nothing left but you.    

Saying all this, there are some people I'de miss. People that haven't exactly been good for me, but I've loved unconditionally anyway. ESCAPE sounds wonderful, but it also sounds pretty lonely. I'm familiar with loneliness, but it doesn't mean I'm neccisarily ready for it to that degree.

Anyway, I will leave. At some point soon. I know I will. I have to.

Seeing as I only seem to ever write on here when im pissed off or upset, heres several things that bothered me recently:

-I don't  know whether you actually really honestly want me, or if I'm just an easy option, an escape from being lonely, as you know I'll always be there, even when I'm physically not. Am I just a passing fancy? Or do you actually want something a little deeper? For that matter what is it that I want from you? I'm starting to really not care about right and wrong, my previous hang-ups on this kind of relationship, I'm thinking id'e prefer to be wrong and happy than right and miserable. And I know that whenever I'm near you and can't have you it frustrates me beyond reasoning. Corr Catherine, overdramatic much..

-I think I'm sinking. My healths deteriorating, I feel ill all the time, half as well as I should be. I've lost all motivation to be anyone of importance, alcohol and drugs seem to be all I care about now. I envy people who are happy enough with their lives to not need a boost. They get so high on their own lives and the people around them, they need no extras, no fake smile. Drugs are a safety net, protection from facing the real world, messy as it is sometimes. Atm I'm thinking I will need my safety net for a while yet.

-I really wish you hadn't shown me that. The little keepsake that reminds me how wonderful you are and how insignificant I am. How you bring out love, commitment, lust and loyalty in a person, and I bring out their vindictive, devious side. Cheers for the general reminder of how much better you are than me.

-I miss you. Theres something about you that makes me want to hold you and protect you, make you smile, take away your pain. But I guess I have to accept that you're looking for comfort and affection in someone else now, and I just don't cut it anymore. I'm not sure why I try so hard to please you, see you smile, contented as often as possible. Your the only one who brings it out in me. The only one that makes me care.

-Guys are so disappointing to me at the moment. Why is it so hard to find one that actually cares about me, who I am, how I feel? Yeah I do tend to just go into a relationship fully based on physical attraction, but it doesn't say alot about me that no one ever sticks around to find out more about me as a person. Shows how fucking interesting I am huh?

It's funny how one word can crush a person. Not just any old overused insult, something personal, you have to know them closely to know how to hit them where it hurts.
It's also funny how people throw this ability around, regardless of feelings, or without consideration that actually the 'thing' their talking so disgustingly about is a person too.
And finally I find it hilarious how we haven't developed at all in all the years of school, growing, learning. It's still a playground, pushing weaker kids over and pulling hair. We still all want to be part of the group, accepted by the masses.

This isn't a complaint at being left out or picked on personally. It's my conclusion after watching a snide group of people ridecule another. And again, I find myself laughing at the fact that we're all in year 12, going onto year 13, doing our AS levels and we still don't show any signs of growing up. I'm including myself in this, as I know I'm just as bad.
I guess the only thing we've learnt over the years when it comes to bullying is how to cover our tracks, say what we know will hurt without it being an obvious insult, so it can be denied if confronted. We've learnt how to address another with such a cold, and indifferent tone, and be able to portray our dislike towards someone without using obvious derogatory terms.

I felt bad today after watching you all tear into her, in such a subtle way that I can't defend her. But trust me, subtlety hurts as much as an obvious attack. Yes she has flaws, as does everyone, but she doesn't deserve to be treated how you treat her. 
Lets see if we can go one day all together without remarks such as "You need to buy new shoes", or "Aren't you abit cold?", or a particularly stupid one I heard along the lines of "You look like a horse".  

Those I'm addressing know who they are. I'm not starting arguments, just looking at how you make my friend feel about herself and wishing those feelings would go away for her. Lets have some consideration please.

So I've been wondering...
 
how come you managed to stay with her for over a year, and you couldnt even bear to be around me for longer than a couple months? What is it about me that screams use and discard?
Granted nowadays to me guys are only good for one thing, but you've made me that way. If you don't get attached, I guess you have less to lose. So yeah, I rant away about the extremely flawed male species and prattle on about not needing a long term relationship, but it's only because so far, I haven't been given a reason to try. Atm all that attempting a relationship does for me is show me I'm right in being this cynical. People touch you, change you and then leave, so excuse me if I'm starting to find emotional interaction overall pointless.